Is there anything more pleasant than the experience of torrential affection felt for a friend? The coupling of admiration and camaraderie multiplies the affect of each giving way to a compelling and powerful joy. Many would say the affection of a man for a woman, that of being "in love", would easily best such admiration. It is more common, no doubt, and does accelerate more quickly due to the sexual chemical nature of the emotion. Nonetheless, I believe the first can overpower the second.
I, myself, am in love with my wife and it is not uncommon for her beauty to make me ill. When she is gone I miss the soft warmth of her body at night and have trouble concentrating during the day. While all of this might sound like pain you must trust it is infinitely wonderful. But, compared to the elevation of my affections when I meditate on the beauty of her character, while, at the same time, enjoying the simple pleasure of her company all the former affections are but a trifle, a pond compared to the ocean of my joy in her.
Now you may think, "Your latter description is not a different affection than being 'in love' but rather an expression of it," as if the weight of my admiration was due to my animal desire for her. I will not deny that many are blinded to the faults of their lovers and so hold them in higher esteem than another person of similar quality. Let there be no mistake that all tokens of blindness are shed in marriage, if not viciously torn away from us. In marriage it is impossible to remain in the state of innocent duplicity so common to those newly "in love". This change is necessary, but can be welcomed by those who married well. While our imaginations can create the "perfect" woman, the beauty of character pales the girls of our own invention. When true nobility is found you no longer need love to deceive you for the truth is far greater, besides it has the added benefit of being real.
My point is this, that the greatest moments of affection I feel for my wife are sparked by the same things I can enjoy in my friends, namely their character and camaraderie. This does not diminish the unique relationship I have with my wife for I am able to express said affection to her in ways I cannot to my friends. Since nothing can elevate a feeling more than the act of expressing it, and since my potential for expression is maximized in my married relationship it is only natural that my affections would be elevated the most in my relationship with her. However, simply because I am able to express my feelings for her in a more profound way it does not follow that those feelings, at their root, are different than those I feel for friends. I am familiar with the expression, "she is my lover and friend" and while I am usually annoyed by those who employ it, it does proclaim the simple truth that there is more to marriage than being "in love". The wife fulfills both roles of romance and friendship and the two, while complimentary, are distinct.
So I ask again: Is there anything more pleasant than the experience of torrential affection felt for a friend? Even while I ask I fear that many men have not felt the power of this in their lives. Some men have been so battered in heart that they refuse to feel at all. Every feeling has the potential for a corresponding pain so it is safer not to feel at all. Other men believe that any feeling that is not either sexual or destructive is somehow effeminate. I contend that only the complete man can live in the fullness of emotion. When a child says "I am all grown up" it betrays the fact that he still a child. The same is true for the one who is constantly guarding his manhood by refusing to engage in deep relationships with other men. It may seem more manly to him to remain a bulwark of emotional solitude, but that is because he thinks he knows what a man is but is not yet one himself. Still others distrust emotions all together. His emotions constantly and irrationally lead him where he does not wish to go and he has seen the madness cause by emotional outbursts in others. It is better to forget them all together, he thinks, and let reason be his only guide.
To those who fear reaching out with their heart I say, you have every reason to fear. No man is more vulnerable than when he has entrusted his heart to someone else. Your only hope is to learn to discern and desire character. This takes wisdom which cannot be gained overnight. Friendships are often based on common interest with little thought given to the underlying nature of the friend. Cool people like to hang out with cool people, nerds with nerds, etc. While this is a nice model, in theory, it cannot help you ascertain whether or not the other person has your best interests in mind. To put it another way, common interests tell you nothing about another persons capacity to love. While everyone is able to have loving feelings and affections toward others only a select few have leaned to love completely regardless of the mistakes you make. Very few live as though others are more important than themselves. This complete love is difficult to find but essential if you wish to entrust your heart to someone else. Even still, you will not be able to escape the pitfalls of caring for another person. Even if they never let you down, which every person will, one day they will die and the pain you will feel will be comparable to the love you had for them. Pain in an inescapable consequence of affection, but not all pain is bad. It is good to hurt over the loss of a friend and there are a thousand other good hurts that can only be felt because of a strong relationship. If your life is spent avoiding this kind of pain you will never love or be loved and you will perish a lonely man.
To those who fear emotions, either for their own sake or because they want to continue in the delusion that they are a real man, I say, do not abandon emotion all together but practice self-control. Self-control, typically understood has a limiting effect. One will use self-control to keep himself from rage, from adultery, from, from, from. I suggest that self-control should not just limit but also enhance. This type of self-control is often called discipline. When in training a man will discipline himself to run further than he did the day before. This is the flip side of self-control, to continue when your body wants to quit. Such self-control should be practiced in the emotional sphere as well. Every day we are bombarded with feelings; some we follow, some we suppress. I suggest we use the same self-control to give greater weight to those feelings we have that are good. Instead of waiting to be overcome by our emotions to act, use self-control to act out the subtle but positive emotions we feel. If you have a glimmer of affection for your wife, do something, say something, grab her. As I said before, nothing can elevate a feeling more than the act of expressing it. Living this way can change our perspective on emotion. It is no longer a feared enemy, it has become a powerful ally. You will be amazed at how often you are approached with positive feelings for another person that you typically hid away in the name of self-control, or rationality, or "manliness". If you feel something positive, something beneficial, a hint of joy in another person, give it the full weight of discipline, act it out, say something, feel. Use your entire person to communicate and embody your love, flesh, mind and spirit.
A life lived in this way will experience the fullness of joy and sorrow. This is our lot in life. Do not try to avoid it, embrace it, give it the fullness of your power. Revel in your affections, express them, live them. Meditate on the joys of friendship and lavish your heart in that joy. Use the gifts of wisdom and self-control to emblazon your heart and affections for the ones you love. Dive into the depth of feeling and find the treasure that has been lost to this generation. Feel.